She wanted someone who was ready, and I thought I was that person. I thought I was ready for what she wanted – marriage without any hesitation.
But one more hurdle rose before me as the story of us was still being written.
What you don’t know waits until it rises, and life has a way of showing you exactly what you haven’t seen.
Especially after you think you’ve seen it all. Especially when you think you know it all.
I stand humbled once again.
She longed for wholeness, for someone who could restore what had been broken in her life, and she wanted it fast enough to ease her pain and return to what felt predictable. I didn’t fully see that at the time.
Our love revealed the truth of me. I’m grateful for how true it was, and I dare say still is.
That is the most beautiful part. I wouldn’t be writing this now if it weren’t.
This is a love story in progress.
In the end, the pieces I carried could no longer stay hidden. Love pressed them to the surface, and they broke me open, spilling into the light for me to see.
What a mess!
In that breaking, I discovered something unexpected. And that is my broken open rawness has felt more whole than anything I once tried to hold together.
Now, Lady is the one gathering her own fragments. We have traded places. Where I was once compartmentalized, she now stands with pieces in her hands, ready to arrange.
When we talked yesterday, my heart shifted. I heard her voice, and instantly stopped listening for what I wanted to hear. I listened for what she needed. It was obvious.
That is what love has made of me.
Step by step, I can walk beside her as a friend, whether she returns to our love or not.
And if she doesn’t, I have still learned to live with this kind of honesty in myself, an honesty that asks for nothing in return.
Thank you, Jesus. Praise God.
There is a quiet strength in this refining. What once felt like failure now feels like life shaping me into someone fully present. Finally capable and ready to love for life.
No hesitation.
I have always said I would fight for the one who loves me, but I will not fight for the woman I love.
Yesterday, when Lady and I talked and walked, I recognized that she may indeed still love me. She didn’t say it, but I heard it. I felt it in the distance behind her closed heart.
And I know that I love her.
Where I go from here is to keep walking, one step at a time, trusting God with each step, because she is worth every moment.
And maybe, just maybe, it takes falling apart to fall back together.