I began with a small promise. Thirty days without smoking. I kept it.
That promise grew into something greater. A decision to smoke only a handful of times each year. Once in each season. A rhythm of restraint.
In that discipline, another door opened. It was not that I had never accepted the Lord. It was that I finally understood how much I needed Him. I leaned into Him fully. I could not find a path forward without Him.
Yet in that surrender I also felt my aloneness. Not alone in spirit because God is with me, but alone as a man walking the earth without a woman by my side. I had never felt that longing so clearly before.
It has been during this heartbreak that I’ve realized what I wanted. To have a woman to share the days with.
The image returned to me of creation itself. How God took a rib from the side of man, and from it made woman, so that she would walk beside him. In that mystery I saw my own desire. To honor God not only in solitude but in companionship. To walk with a wife. To share life. To glorify Him together.
As mentioned, this realization arrived as a result of not wanting to lose someone that I love.
After asking God why, and feeling the fire of loss, I have felt His hand press and reshape me. It hurts. I cannot see what is ahead. Yet I remain committed.
I believe this is a time of preparation. My prayers remain steady. My desires remain the same. This season is not for indulgence. It is for clarity. For strength.
The den of iniquity is what I must avoid. It offers only a counterfeit of what I truly long for. I do not want pleasure without covenant. I do not want comfort without truth. Better to walk the wilderness. Better to endure the desert of waiting than to settle for less than God’s design.
This is the expectation that I hold for myself. Sure, there will be temptations and tests before me. I will stay out of that place. I will choose sacrifice. I will choose the high road.
The high road is where honor lives. My future wife expects honorable. And this honor I will give to the Lord.